At a MeetUp conversation group, the other day, amongst 12 different faces, one new one, stood out as unusually beautiful, even though age had weathered this gift of female birthright. There was something
special about her smile, to me. A subconsciously sensed, but consciously unrecalled message in her smile reminded me of something warm and positive. It was something I knew well, but could not or did not want to recall. To a writer, like me, it was fascinating and would linger well beyond the two hours at Panera. Not that this smile was just for me, not at all. This pretty lady shared her smile and eye contact with nearly every person she spoke to. That too was a notable, magical gift, she had acquired. Something moms teach their daughters when they wordlessly remind them of how much stronger they, with their smiles and eye contact, are than men. In sales we are taught about body language. As it turns out, body language and the emotion behind the words is 90% of what sells the customer, not the facts and the figures. A smile and warm eyes is 90%!
There were 3 men (me included) and 9 women at this meetup that Marvin had helped organize; this is what happens statistically when you are 70. Of course the magical gentleness of smooth facial contours, defined sexy, muscular limbs and blossoming floral lips had now evaded most all attending; yet, a smile was apparently ageless! I have often wondered and pondered the power of a female smile. So did my subconscious in the middle of the night 3 days later when it woke me up to know what it had discovered. Google’s crawler bots should only be so good!
What our minds can do is just beyond anything a computer can do now or in the near future. For your “sleeping” mentality to be able to sort through a lifetime of visual experience, find a match, its contextual physical and emotional experience and resurrect them from the past is beyond my comprehension; yet, it happens all the time and did for me. I recalled the fine smile lines and shapes her facial features formed when she smiled. It was clearly that of a long unseen female friend I had not run into in half a lifetime. A friend with whom I had experienced nothing but the positive. Even the eye contact that came with the smile, was that of this lady too.
When I awoke in the night I thought about this smile and the warm friendly eye contact. I recalled the positive memories of this lady I had known. We never lived together but went dancing occasionally and talked over dinner now and then. It was always joyful. How can you forget what is always inspiring? How deeply it engraves its image in your mind and your heart! It amazed me, but I am old enough to understand reality. Living together is far different from casual friendship. Perhaps that is a reason for married couples to make sure they smile lots more often and especially to share brief but warm eye contact that says “I love you, I want you.”
I read a great short story the other day posted at 3375f.com. The story was about love, about the 5 love languages and how to overcome relationship challenges. A smile and eye contact, I believe, belong most strongly to the love language of physical touch, but they certainly relate to all the love languages as they are universal. So why do I talk about a female smile and not a male one? They are in fact both powerful. Nevertheless, a female smile is far more powerful. When your mind is capable of reaching down into the near infinite depth of your experience in life and resurrecting a long dead memory just from a smile, it tells you something. It reminds me of something I learned in my medical studies of child development. At birth a child’s eyes are focused at about 1 to 2 feet. Everything beyond is a blur. For quite a while infants cannot change focus. Babies who are nursing, focus on Mom’s face and they cannot do otherwise. Is it any wonder that, for most healthy men, the experience of a female smile reminds them of contentment, peace, tranquility and security? An infant’s mind, which is, in my conception, photographic in memory, is over and over associating a female smile with everything wonderful about nursing, physical warmth and gentle touch, assuming life at that time is not a disaster for mom. The power of a female smile is ingrained in men and women as strongly as any possible repeated hypnotic experience can be!
How does this bear on avoiding divorce? In my experience as a doctor for 44 years, I heard sad stories from many beautiful (in their 40’s) women getting divorced. I often asked or they offered why. They needed someone to listen and I tried to make myself available. It was more often than not, that their husbands had had an affair with a younger lady. Husbands would give up beautiful sexy wives and the joys of family and children just for romance with a younger woman! It blew my mind. Then it occurred to me, it was not that simple. Though the women were beautiful to me, perhaps they had lost their magic in the eyes of their husbands? I thought long about my experience and the fact that I too was married for a second time; though in my case I had not had an affair. Then it occurred to me, perhaps the women had forgotten to smile when the lady by the “water cooler” at work made a real effort to smile. Perhaps the husband had forgotten to smile and look into his wife’s eyes with love. This simple technique, if coming from the heart with honesty, is likely the most powerful deterrent to divorce and disloyalty. I also love one of my patient’s rules for staying married happily. It goes like this: “if you have an argument and are angry, give it 10 seconds of anger and then forget it forever!” It is a teaching in the bible that anger and resentment to others destroys ourselves and love. It is why the bible teaches us to love everyone around us, especially our families. It is not that we are taught to love for their benefit, but for ours! Those who cling to anger and resentment in a relationship are clinging to destruction!
It is nice to feel the warmth of a familiar smile and warm eyes. Like the sun on a Florida morning warming your back as you walk from the cool ocean waters, it is always welcome. It is important in marriage and relationships you value to remember that the sun shines in many places at once. It is important to remember that if another’s smile seems too entrancing, then you need to work on igniting the fires of love at home. Consider starting with a smile and remember why you love your partner when you look them in the eyes.
………. Janr Ssor