The Power Of A Female Smile. And, How To Avoid Divorce!

At a MeetUp conversation group, the other day, amongst 12 different faces, one new one, stood out as unusually beautiful, even though age had weathered this gift of  female birthright. There was somethingmature-857525_1280

special about her smile, to me.  A subconsciously sensed, but consciously unrecalled message in her smile reminded me of something warm and positive.  It was something I knew well, but could not or did not want to recall.  To a writer, like me, it was fascinating and would linger well beyond the two hours at Panera. Not that this smile was just for me, not at all.  This pretty lady shared her smile and eye contact with nearly every person she spoke to. That too was a notable, magical gift, she had acquired. Something moms teach their daughters when they wordlessly remind them of how much stronger they, with their smiles and eye contact, are than men.  In sales we are taught about body language.  As it turns out, body language and the emotion behind the words is 90% of what sells the customer, not the facts and the figures.  A smile and warm eyes is 90%!

There were 3 men (me included) and 9 women at this meetup that Marvin had helped organize; this is what happens statistically when you are 70.  Of course the magical gentleness of smooth facial contours, defined sexy, muscular limbs and blossoming floral lips had now evaded most all attending; yet, a smile was apparently ageless! I have often wondered and pondered the power of a female smile.  So did my subconscious in the middle of the night 3 days later when it woke me up to know what it had discovered. Google’s crawler bots should only be so good!

What our minds can do is just beyond anything a computer can do now or in the near future. For your “sleeping” mentality to be able to sort through a lifetime of  visual experience,  find a match, its contextual physical and emotional experience and resurrect them from the past is beyond my comprehension; yet,  it happens all the time and did for me.  I recalled the fine smile lines and shapes her facial features formed when she smiled. It was clearly that of a long unseen female friend I had not run into in half a lifetime. A friend with whom I had experienced nothing but the positive. Even the eye contact that came with the smile, was that of this lady too.

When I awoke in the night I thought about this smile and the warm friendly eye contact.  I recalled the positive memories of this lady I had known.  We never lived together but went dancing occasionally and talked over dinner now and then.  It was always joyful.  How can you forget what is always inspiring?  How deeply it engraves its image in your mind and your heart!  It amazed me, but I am old enough to understand reality.  Living together is far different from casual friendship.   Perhaps that is a reason for married couples to make sure they smile lots more often and especially to share brief but warm eye contact that says “I love you, I want you.”

I read a great short story the other day posted at  The story was about love,  about the 5 love languages and how to overcome relationship challenges.  A smile and eye contact, I believe, belong most strongly to the love language of physical touch, but they certainly relate to all the love languages as they are universal.  So why do I talk about a female smile and not a male one? They are in fact both powerful.  Nevertheless, a female smile is far more powerful.  When your mind is capable of reaching down into the near infinite depth of your experience in life and resurrecting a long dead memory just from a smile, it tells you something. It reminds me of something I learned in my medical studies of child development.  At birth a child’s eyes are focused at about 1 to 2 feet. Everything beyond is a blur. For quite a while infants cannot change focus.  Babies who are nursing, focus on Mom’s face and they cannot do otherwise. Is it any wonder that,  for most healthy men, the experience of a female smile reminds them of contentment, peace, tranquility and security?  An infant’s mind, which is, in my conception, photographic in memory, is over and over associating a female smile with everything wonderful about nursing, physical warmth and gentle touch, assuming life at that time is not a disaster for mom.  The power of a female smile is ingrained in men and women as strongly as any possible repeated hypnotic experience can be!

How does this bear on avoiding divorce?  In my experience as a doctor for 44 years, I heard sad stories from many beautiful (in their 40’s) women getting divorced.  I often asked or they offered why.  They needed someone to listen and I tried to make myself available.  It was more often than not, that their husbands had had an affair with a younger lady. Husbands would give up beautiful sexy wives and the joys of family and children just for romance with a younger woman! It blew my mind.   Then it occurred to me, it was not that simple.  Though the women were beautiful to me, perhaps they love-google-search-labled-forresusehad lost their magic in the eyes of their husbands?   I thought long about my experience and the fact that I too was married for a second time; though in my case I had not had an affair. Then it occurred to me, perhaps the women had forgotten to smile when the lady by the “water cooler” at work made a real effort to smile. Perhaps the husband had forgotten to smile and look into his wife’s eyes with love.  This simple technique, if coming from the heart with honesty, is likely the most powerful deterrent to divorce and disloyalty.  I also love one of my patient’s rules for staying married happily.  It goes like this: “if you have an argument and are angry, give it 10 seconds of anger and then forget it forever!”  It is a teaching in the bible that anger and resentment to others destroys ourselves and love.  It is why the bible teaches us to love everyone around us, especially our families.  It is not that we are taught to love for their benefit, but for ours!  Those who cling to anger and resentment in a relationship are clinging to destruction!

It is nice to feel the warmth of a familiar smile and warm eyes.  Like the sun on a Florida morning warming your back as you walk from the cool ocean waters, it is always welcome. It is important in marriage and relationships you value to remember that the sun shines in many places at once. It is important to remember that if another’s smile seems too entrancing, then you need to work on igniting the fires of love at home.  Consider starting with a smile and remember why you love your partner when you look them in the eyes.

………. Janr Ssor



Car Toreador

Cars can behave like bulls charging at or by a toreador, depending upon who is driving them.  I have become a car

Toreador matador-and-bull_sizeXS

toreador, so I know.   Being a car toreador  requires that you be able to psychoanalyze drivers, if you want to survive.  There are some definite dangers much as those faced by the men who challenge bulls but perhaps not as severe, I hope.

I did not set out to be a car toreador; rather I set out to get some exercise in a quick and easy fashion each morning. To accomplish this goal, I bought a good pair of Nike running shoes (Pegasus) and made sure I got up early enough to watch the sunrise as I walked down the mountain road I live on.

I live out in the country where sidewalks are non-existent.  Instead we have “shoulders” to the road which also require a bit of imagination to actually find.  Sometimes there is a hill of rock ledge rising up at a tight corner,  so no amount of imagination will help you find a shoulder.   Until the last second, cars charging around those corners don’t see you, you don’t see them and the yellow line is to be trampled on.  On occasion there is grass and that will do fine. You learn quickly to change sides of the road before those  hairpin turns or else you become roadkill.  It’s kind of like riding a motorcycle,  you learn to avoid oncoming vehicles by a planned pattern of evasive maneuvers.

In any event the first survival lesson  I learned  was while walking down my dead end street, early in the morning.  Quite a few drivers are up early, as I was, on their way to work (which I do later as I work near my home).  It is busy enough to imagine it is not a dead end street.   I often have ear-buds in my ears and a smartphone playing music while monitoring my walking distance and speed.  I keep the volume down so that I can hear a car or truck coming and avoid getting gored by a charging Chevy or Hyundai .  One secret I learned is that drivers have an attitude even before they meet others drivers and acquire road rage.Angry Motorists

Each car has its own and distinctive attitude and though the type of car is often related it is not the main cause.  I say cars because you usually cannot see the drivers.  They are hidden by the early morning glare of sunrise on their windshields or shadows from the many trees that line the side of the road.  The trees are everywhere with long branches hugging the side of the road as if it were a sleeping child cradled  in its mothers extended arms. It is very rural up here. We even have some dirt roads that are well used and accepted.

The car’s attitude was easy enough to see since I had begun to learn to walk towards traffic so as to give me some opportunity to side step a charging vehicle. Matadors must make quick decisions if they wish to continue in the sport.  Some cars charged down the quiet country roads like mad bulls hoping to gore a matador; others, glided gracefully by and frequently moved completely into the opposing lane with far more care than need to avoid the matador.   Some, by the way, actually came closer in a very confrontational manner.  I began to wonder what caused this difference? 

Many days of being a car matador, has taught me something about these differences.  Big SUV’s with petite women driving them are frequently the most dangerous but this happens around 3:00 pm and not that commonly in the morning. On the occasion that I might get a glance at the driver, I will see a female face that is somewhat twisted with stress and suppressed rage.  They are late to pick up their children and anyone in their way on the road will be gored to death!  When on my motorcycle,  I always avoid SUV’s for this reason. They will literally run you off the road.

Other cars are less bullish then SUV’s. However, as you might suspect the sporty ones like to make a mad rush at you as that is their thrill or perhaps how they burn off the 3 cups of coffee that got them awake and now running on adrenalin.  They want to play with you and regret having past you; but, they know there is another day coming.

The more nondescript cars have their attitude too and after a while you get to know which ones have which attitude.   There are exceptions however as I can tell that the black and white  Hyundais that come one after another each morning have attitudes depending upon how the two drivers where communicating over breakfast. I am predicting that without a lot of marriage counseling the black and white cars will be living separately in the near future.

Then there are the cars you know are driven by older drivers.  The will come around the corner see you and cross to the opposite lane, hopefully when there is no oncoming traffic.  Moving over 3 or 4 feet would be fine but they want to show you how much you matter.  I do not think they are bulls,  I think these are out to pasture cows.  I do prefer to have a road full of cows, by the way.

Finally there are those bulls that want to literally gore you and end your miserable existence.  They know you are messing up their trip by being on the road!  They know you have no reason to be there trying to walk and stay fit while they have to go to work, drink more high test coffee and possibly have a heart attack running with the rest of the bulls on the expressway at 90 mph.  They are pissed!  Most of them however shrink from the final act at the last moment, simply satisfied that they have terrorized you and will get to do it again tomorrow.  I wish it were not true but most of these drivers,  when I get to see them, are the petite women who probably drive the SUV’s on weekends.   This is why I am seriously considering selling my Yamaha Silverado.   I have discovered that iron ponies are no match for a charging bull SUVs.

I would like to think that females are the gentler sex, but I am no longer so sure.  I think they are gentler face to face because God made them physically weaker, in most cases.   However, give them control over a 400 bull power engine and they act out their Napoleonic dreams.

If you decide to get up early and walk,  take a walk after lunch, walk before the sun sets or do all 3 as I do, keep in mind that you should develop the art of being a car toreador and knowing when to dodge the charging bull.   Especially if you want to stay alive.  You may also get to know the neighbors, you never meet.