George Carlin describes finding out who he is and what his messages was!
George Carlin describes finding out who he is and what his messages was!
This story is fiction and the names are fictitious. The experiences however are based on those that have been shared with me with utter honesty and confidence. I will not break that confidence here but I share the experiences for the light they shine on the human soul, much of which is apparently composed of sex!
I was 18 years old when I returned to Miami, Fla to visit my hunting buddies in Coral Gables. I had no idea, I was going to have an almost “dream date” with Linda. I was about to learn how different men and women look at the world and I would also learn what it means to say “Hell hath no fury like a women scorned!”
Jim, Richard and Jerry were the guys I had grown up with, my hunting buddies. It was good to see them after a year away at the U. Of Fla up in Gainesville. None of us had changed much in a year.
My wavy dark brown hair was still down below my shoulders then and though I did not know it, the girls thought I was really hot. I had no concept of hot because I was a nerd. I was a nerd before the term was ever used, but I passed well for a Hippy which everyone understood (I thought I was one too, mostly).
I lifted weights to try to look good for the girls because I was shy and needed to have girls come to me as I was afraid to go to them. I had found that muscles and a tan made chicks come to me like moths to a lit candle. Of course even without the weights, my swimming and hunting kept me pretty fit and I always had a dark tan. But I had no idea that I was attractive to the opposite sex… that was part of being a nerd and 18, I guess. It took me at least 15 years more to discover that girls found me good looking, perhaps that is normal.
I did not have a summer job that year and we were having a blast getting drunk at Rich’s house, hunting, fishing and occasionally smoking something other than cigarettes. I did however miss the frat parties and my new girl friend, Nancy. My new college friend Harry had dragged me into the frat house to help raise its grade point average. In the process I found out what a social life meant; however, over summer in Miami there was now a sudden painful vacuum of girls and social life. However help was on the way and Harry was the answer.
Harry was rich, had a big fancy home, stocked frig, a pool and so we soon had parties. He lived in Miami, 20 minutes from my home. If we had a party at his home, his mom, Mrs B., would disappear after a few martinis. His dad, Mr B., worked late and never seemed to come home. If he did come home, he did not care what we did, as long as we did not trash the house and soil the sheets on the beds. He too disappeared, conveniently.
We were learning about sex and most of us, even though we were in our first year of college, had never “done it.” Okay we had played around in parked cars at the drive-in or in lovers lane but we had never done the real thing. I certainly had not. It was the beginning of the Hippy Era and that would soon change but, at that time, we were the transition phase; we started the Hippy Era as the “Beats” faded into the workforce. As for me, I was so naive that I did not even know that people french kissed. But, there were other things we were learning in our cars and that was good enough for most of us. It turned out that Linda wanted more but not the more you would think about.
It was at Harry’s party that I again met Linda. She had been my High School girl friend before college. She was now in secretarial school and she looked even hotter than in H.S. if that was possible. Linda had big brown eyes that were even big by Margaret Keane’s standards. Looking into her eyes made my legs feel wobbly and blood flow from my head to somewhere else, you know. That was just the beginning. Linda’s lips were full and sexy, her nose could have been used as the model for those thousand dollar nose jobs and her skin was flawless. Behind that beauty surrounded by long wavy brown hair was a real intelligence and personality. Linda was fun to be with and her happy personality attracted everyone.
I guess I am still not telling you much that is important to this story because, I forgot to mention that if you were a teenage guy, below her neck had a magical impact. Looking at her was kinda like pressing a remote control for male body sex organs. I don’t know how big her chest was but it was more than enough to make a guy breath funny. The rest of her body was perfection and though I had never seen all of it at once, little did I know that I was about to.
When we saw each other a year after I graduated H.S., at Harry’s, Linda and I instantly ran to each other and kissed and hugged. We had great memories from H.S. and lots more to make it seemed. We danced, swam in the pool and touched enough to make it hard for me to get out of the pool. After that night we started dating regularly. I saw Linda at least 3 or 4 nights out of the week. Yes it was the era of free love but no we did not make love in the traditional sense. In fact not even according to president Clinton’s standards. It was enough for me though. I was not sure why we did as little as we did but I had never given it enough thought. I was just happy to be with Linda.
It was summer! I was happy to have time to play guitar, read sci-fi and go the the Art Movie Theater to see Sydney Portieir in To Sir With Love and other great flicks. Of course my friends and I found lots of time to hunt in the Everglades, and spear fish off Crandon Park. Jim and I had build a small flat bottom boat in H.S. and we used the battery from his car to power its weedless electric outboard motor. It was not impressive but it was fun. We took it out on Crandon Park and anchored over the coral reefs which were plentiful back then. We could float over the reefs in our snorkeling gear for hours and just enjoy being in another world. There was no sound other than the occasional buzzing sound of a powerboat’s propeller at first loud and then fading into the distance. Surrounded by schools of parrot fish or clouds of angel fish, it was like a trip to another planet. It almost beat girls; well maybe not. I brought back lots of amazing catches from the ocean at Crandon Park. Most of them seaweed. The colorful fish we saw were not edible but occasionally we did spear some lunch.
We had a great summer that year back in ’65 but it went fast. Suddenly it was the end of summer vacation and Linda called me unexpectedly. I usually called her. Girls did not call guys much back then. She said, “My mom and dad are out of town seeing my grandma up in Orlando. They won’t be home till nearly midnight and I am lonely! Could you come over?” If miracles ever happen, this seemed to be the day for one. It was late afternoon and I had no trouble getting cleaned up and over to her place in under and hour, with lots of cologne on. I was a bit nervous as I parked in front of her garage, looking for signs that her parents might have come home; but unfortunately I could not see into the closed garage. I walked up to the door with my heart beating faster than normal and rang the bell. In seconds the door opened and I finally got to see all of Linda. She wore a see through baby doll nightgown that covered absolutely nothing. My whole body was suddenly burning as if I had been out in the sun too long. I looked at her big turned up breasts and pert nipples and even for a nerd, knew what she was thinking. Then I looked up at her face and saw a smile that said she knew she owned me. There was something too mature in that smile but I did not then know how to put defining words to that observation. I went in through the door hoping no one else had seen what I had seen. I looked back over my shoulders to be sure; but, there was nobody in sight.
She kissed me in a way I had never been kissed before, yes she new about French Kissing. Then she led me to a large spacious couch surrounded by burning candles, incense and two bottles of wine. The glasses were already full as she was wasting no time. There was music playing softly. Somewhat unconsciously I was beginning to realize that I had no idea what I was getting into. My head kept my mind from thinking and the wine helped too. Little by little she took off my clothes as we kissed, hugged and touched. I was afraid to take hers off as there was really nothing to remove; besides my hands had learned well from Helen Keller. At this point the wine had done its job and I had stopped thinking with my mind. Linda helped with my indecision and took off her transparent wrap. She pulled me down onto her as she lay upon the couch, kissed me passionately and pulled me towards her by holding my butt with both hands.
For some reason, I have never quite understood, a light went off in my wine soaked brain and I pulled back and said, “Linda, I have no rubbers! Do you?” She said, “Don’t worry, odds are nothing will happen other than fun!” The light got brighter but the brain had no real cue what was going on and would not for years to come. I pulled away feeling real pain between my legs, I got my clothes and started to put them on; which was very hard in my state. Linda glared at me from the couch, now sitting up and looking like she was a cat about to pounce on a mouse. I stupidly said, “Linda, I love you and do not want to take a chance on getting you pregnant.” With that said, I was out the door, into my car and on my way home. Little did I know that she did not really appreciate my concern for her long term happiness; she felt scorned. As you will soon see, this had consequences. It took me many years later to understand how Linda had felt and only because Nancy told me about it!
That was not the end of my interaction with Linda however. There was to be one more episode. I did not see Linda for the next two weeks. Then I left for college without a word to her or from her.
A couple of months into my second year I got a call from Linda. She wanted to come up and visit. It did not occur to me that she might be anything different then the girl I had known before in H.S.; but, her visit was about to be a big surprise to me. I told Linda I would be available to the next 3 weeks but on the fourth I was going up to Orlando to visit my parents. She said she would let me know when she would be coming. I did go out and buy some 4x rubbers, just in case. However, I never heard from her and frankly I was so busy with school and Nancy, I forgot about the conversation.
When I got back from Orlando, late Sunday night, my big brother, Ted was there to greet me. Now Ted was a great guy without a mean bone in his body. He was only 5 foot 5 inches but solid as a rock from weight lifting. I was 5 foot 9 inches and I wore boots that made me nearly 6 foot tall. Ted stopped me as I walked through the crowed entry room where everyone was hanging out, drinking and listening to the Jukebox. He had a funny look on his face. He shook my hand and said he was glad to see me. Then he asked, “did you not remember that your girlfriend Linda was coming up this weekend?” I was shocked for a moment and then I recalled that I had told her specifically that I would be away in Orlando.
Ted continued, “She came up Saturday afternoon just before the party and told a few guys who she was. She asked where you were? We told her you were away. She then said that you were a nice guy and she would miss you but with a frat house full of guys, she was sure she could have a fun night! Then she said, that she wanted to stay for the party and asked if they would mind? She is really hot and who could say no? Well she got pretty drunk and decided to test her oral sex skills on nearly every guy in the house!”
At that point, I forgot who I was talking to and rage ripped through my heart! I pulled back my right arm ready to punch his lights out but he caught my hand easily and held me frozen. Ted said, “Joe, you know better than to do that! I may be shorter but I am way out of your class in a fight; not to mention that you are not really mad at me so calm down.” He was right of course but I was angry. I thought for a moment and I just could not understand why would he tell me such a lie! Ted grabbed my other arm, pulled me over to the hall and led me down to my room. We went in and I was pleased that he closed the door to the laughing faces, who were looking at me, and the music of the Jukebox which was now no more than noise.
I threw my bag on the floor and sat on the bed feeling depressed and angry. Ted sat across from me on my roommate, Steve’s bed. I said, “Why would you tell me such a story, it is not funny! ” Ted said, “It is not a story it is the truth and I wanted to tell you before the rest of the guys did, so you would be prepared for the teasing you will be getting. I stopped for a moment to think and looked into his unflinching brown eyes. There was no malice there and what I saw was my old friend again, my “big brother.”
It took me a moment to get my courage together and I said, “Thanks Ted, I am sorry I lost my cool. I just cannot believe she forgot what I told her and came up when I was gone.” Ted smiled and said, “that’s Okay Joe, now hang out in your room, if you need to, and it might be better if you just went to bed early. The guys are all drunk and they will just say stupid things to piss you off, even though tomorrow they would regret it.
Tomorrow will be a busy school day, everyone will be busy thinking about academics and they will quickly forget Linda while some new fantasy arises.” I thanked him, shook his hand and gave him a bear hug. He was a good friend. I took his advice too. I had a couple of shots of Jack Daniels Green Label and went to bed. My roommate Steve must have come in late and I never heard him.
The next evening was Monday and we rarely partied on a Monday night but Ted had arranged to clear the dining room after dinner and have a Wesson Oil party. Everyone got drunk and many of my crazy frat brothers slid bare assed across the dinning room floor as our house mother, martini in hand, looked on (she was nearly 70 and had no problem with us as long as we did not set fire to the house). There were a few girls who had come for dinner with their boyfriends and they joined in the nude sliding too. There was now some new hot sexy news! That was enough to distract everyone from Linda’s activities and create new stories for the next few days. Linda was soon history and I put it out of my mind when I saw Nancy’s beautiful face the next Saturday night at our weekend party. Life went on. There was something new that I discovered in Nancy, that previously I could not have named. Linda was hot; but, Nancy was not only hot, she was special. Though Linda was my dream image of sex, Nancy was my dream image of someone I could spend my life with. Not only was she pretty and sexy but she was intelligent and compassionate. There was a warmth that came from within, something that would still be there when we were 80 and looking like prunes. Something that would grow with the years and get better rather than fade. I could not have explained that then but I can now. Nancy and I never quite made it to the hitching post as things happened but we never hurt each other as Linda did to me.
Twenty years later, when I was living up in Chicago, I got a call from Linda. I had forgotten all about her coming up to the Frat house, getting drunk and doing what she did. I was married to Anne. Linda wanted to see me for old times sake. I was not sure I wanted to see her as I was happy with Anne and could see no reason to meet. I asked Anne what she thought and she said she was fine with it, if I was. I asked Anne to come with me and she laughed and said, “If you really are curious go by yourself and stop being so shy!”
I am not sure why I went but I did meet her for lunch at Tad’s steak house. She brought her daughter, Susan, who was just finishing H.S. It was to say the least, uncomfortable. I had nothing to say to Linda and I was not very adept at small talk. I was not sure why I was there and I was not sure why she was there. She smiled and was pleasant but she had gotten old. She was no longer sexy and there was just “nothing” for us to share. She was not attractive to me at all. I was very happy when she said she had a train to catch and left with her daughter.
Twenty more years passed and my college girlfriend, Nancy, who lived in Fla still, had found me on Facebook. We had taken up corresponding a bit now and then. We were both lots older and somewhat wiser and it was fun to occasionally have an opinion on life other than Anne’s. You know how it is; it is sometimes easier to listen to a casual friend than your wife. At least sometimes. Anyway, being in touch with Nancy reminded me of all my long lost friends. We got to messaging and I mentioned the story about Linda. I had not thought about it in years and I still could not quite put the pieces together. I was however reading an article in the psychology magazine I had agreed to edit and there was a similar story there. So it reminded me of Linda and I told that to Nancy, which I never had done. She wrote me back and said, “Beware of a women scorned, you never know what she will do!”
Well 40 years later, I had acquired some wisdom and it suddenly made sense, with Nancy’s help. Linda did not forget what weekend, that I was going to be away; no, she planned on being there when I was away and showing me that she would get every guy around to want what I had turned down! She wanted to hurt me as I had unintentionally hurt her! She has succeeded to some extent but at a cost, I cannot imagine. I was not angry but I did feel sorry for her. I learned later that she had apparently gotten pregnant by the guy who came after me and, of course, “by accident.” That was her way of getting what she wanted. She did not get me and I am happy it turned out that way. I have often wondered what made me get up and leave. Any sane teenager would not have done what I did. I figure God had another plan for me as I could not credit myself with such intelligence or strength against such hot sexy beauty.
It just amazes me, even at this age, that our world is so driven by sex. What is more amazing is how dumb we guys are and how easily we are manipulated by the “weaker sex.”